where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He shit in the fireplace
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
