i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
