I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
