She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
