I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
