i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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