He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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