fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
