I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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