So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
