I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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