youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
is that a dick in a sweater?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
