From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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