I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
