She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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