one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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