The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
