Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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