Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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