tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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