I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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