i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
