You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"