is your mom at the bar?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
