He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
