You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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