The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
