Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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