i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
