i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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