i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
