so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
