i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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