THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
