I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
