Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
