i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
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