My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
