I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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