I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
