you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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