Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
