drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
