Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
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Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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