So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
third nipple confirmed
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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