im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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