a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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