Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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