Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
