Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
