At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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