Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
