vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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