I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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