what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
