Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Small penises have feelings too.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
